Family Rejection Meets Spiritual Friends

boy standing on shore

“The Next Buddha Will be a Sangha”

“I had to leave home when I was sixteen,” a friend of mine told me this past Thanksgiving. She, like me, was spending the holiday with an adopted family. That is, we were not spending the holiday with our family of origin, but our family of choice. Like me, she had no place among those with whom she was genetically connected. “I told my dad I was gay, and he told me I couldn’t live at home anymore,” she explained.

Decades later, her father still doesn’t completely accept her. My mother’s kicking me out of the house when I was 16 no longer seemed so bad: at least I was able to live with my father. Still, it was a rejection, and, like others who suffered from childhood abuse, I learned to retreat any way I could, whether it was through reading, eating, sleeping, or later on, drinking. Anything to blunt the pain of rejection.

boy alone with dog family rejection

 

What I later learned, however, is that the pain of rejection, especially from a parent, isn’t something that one can just wish away. It leaves wounds wide, deep, and not easily healed. According to Dr. Mark Leary, one of the preeminent scholars in social rejection, “Interpersonal rejections constitute some of the most distressing and consequential events in people’s lives.” It forms our outlook on life, our future relationships, and even how we perceive our very being.

In a study reported by the American Association of Pediatrics, Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual adults whose families rejected them in their adolescence were 8 times more likely to attempt suicide than those who didn’t face family rejection. Clinical depression and drug use were also markedly higher for those rejected by their families. What is the answer to this deep suffering? Many would say that to heal the person, heal the family. I don’t. After years of trying to win my family’s love and approval, my answer was to replace the family.

When the Buddha created the sangha 2,500 years ago, he created a system whereby nuns and monks could leave the confines of the household and pursue a path of liberation. Today, our sanghas are just as important as they were during the time of the Buddha, if not more so. Families that are intact are fragmented and distracted, spending a mere 36 minutes a day together. Divorce is common, and human interaction is largely virtual rather than personal. Even those who haven’t faced familial rejection are in need of connection.

girls hiking with knit hats, fight family rejection

 

“Suffering,” says Thich Nhat Hanh, “is one of the biggest problems of our times.” He adds that loneliness, feeling cut off, alienation, division and the disintegration of the family are a major factor in this growing societal dukkha. If alienation is a chief cause of suffering, affiliation is the cure. We, collectively, the sangha, are the cure to suffering in our midst. But how often do we actively strive to reach out to other sangha members, to understand them and their unique challenges?

What can we do to help create a more welcoming, nurturing sangha?

It’s important to realize that, for many, the feelings of loss and sadness due to family rejection are amplified during the holiday season. It is precisely for this reason that now is the perfect time for sanghas to take stock of how well they’re serving their communities. “Our transformation and healing depend on the quality of the sangha,” enjoins Thich Nhat Hanh. We should all ask ourselves, is our sangha a place where we can truly find refuge? Does it nurture spiritual growth by offering the fertile soil of acceptance? If not, why not? And what can we do to help create a more welcoming, nurturing sangha?

Creating Sangha, Creating A Spiritual Family

In the Anguttara Nikaya, the Buddha mentions four ways of embracing others, thereby growing and strengthening sangha. These are: Giving, Endearing Speech, Beneficent Conduct and Impartiality under diverse worldly conditions. Looking at each of these practices, we can find multiple paths for establishing truly supportive sanghas.

Letting others know we value them can help them sustain a healthy sense of self.

Giving: We can all support our sanghas through giving financial support to their well-being. Gifts of dana in addition to regular membership dues ensure that our sangha’s doors will be open to others seeking the Dhamma for years to come. Other forms of giving are also important, including giving of our time to volunteer efforts. We can also give of ourselves by befriending new members to our sangha.

Endearing Speech: In addition to the words we use, the tone we use when speaking them will also have an impact. We’ve all experienced the sense of uplift that can come from a compliment. When speaking to a sangha member, it’s important to focus on their positive attributes and point them out graciously. Letting others know we value them can help them sustain a healthy sense of self.

Beneficent Conduct: This one’s easy. Follow the precepts. Don’t hurt anyone, steal, spread false or unkind rumors, or sexually misbehave. On the flipside, one could invite someone to coffee after a dharma talk, make plans to see a movie together, or just exchange emails to say hi once in awhile.

Just as we need food and water, we also need positive and lasting relationships.

Impartiality: This refers to, specifically, impartiality in terms of one’s circumstances in relation to the 8 worldly winds: pleasure/pain, gain/loss, praise/blame, fame/ill-repute. Are we partial to those sangha members who are of high-status? Do we seek out those with wealth and influence, and avoid those with more modest circumstances? To create and maintain a strong sangha, we should practice reaching out to and embracing all within our sangha.

four girls walking together

Psychologist C. Nathan DeWall says that “Humans have a fundamental need to belong,” and that just as we need food and water, we also need positive and lasting relationships. For many, these relationships are found in the family unit. Others, however, do not have the comfort of family. For them, a center of spiritual growth that offers companionship and positive regard can serve as a lifeline. It is up to each individual sangha member to foster a sense of warmth and community by being kind, impartial and giving.

This year, when we are all counting our blessings for what we have, maybe we can also count our blessings for what we’ve been able to give. Whether it’s money, a kind word, perhaps an invitation for Hanukkah, Christmas, or New Year’s Eve, we all have something we can, and should, give.

Regina Valdez

Regina Valdez

Regina is an Engaged Buddhist and the Community Outreach Coordinator for Buddhist Global Relief.A Buddhist practitioner since 2009, Regina uses the city as a crucible for deepening practice. She's a freelance writer and has lived in New York City for over 20 years.
Regina Valdez

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